Thoughts taken from the journal of Panic The Mother
My mind can be so dark. No matter how much light could surround me, darkness still fills every crack. The guilt I feel as I know I should be grateful for my blessings, I should appreciate all I have. My whole body slows down. I'm getting dinner out of the oven... thoughts of death drift through my mind. The thoughts of being free from this pain is a pleasurable feeling as it fleetingly passes through my mind. I'm always amazed every time I fall backdown, amazed that I'm back here again. Always asking why? How the actually fuck can this be happening again? I've spent such a long period of my life living in the crippling darkness of my own mind. Theres two parts to me... rational, motivated, positive and way too much sass. Then there's the pure drip of darkness and pain that consumes my mind and physically hurts my body.
The last few months have been a struggle, the pressure gets so high I struggle to do the most simple of tasks. School letters, cooking dinner, parenting, I despair at the thought. Getting dressed feels like a mountain to climb, I wear the same clothes everyday. Sickness floods my body at the thought of leaving the house. A nasty feeling to be around people but feel so lonely, to be so deep inside your own mind. I hear sounds so loud and clear even the softest sounds have the ability to start a Panic Attack. In these times I'm a loser, I hate myself, I'm a terrible mother and friend. I spend to long wishing I could be like others.
My body. Oh my body, the battle with you rages on. Recovering from Endometriosis surgery I hate you so much, my stomach is disfigured and swollen still. A reality check of how shit you are. I walk into my office, Panic The Mother is everywhere. A reminder of how far I've come or a reminder of how long this is taken. A clear reminder of how I would have launched if I didn't fall down so often. I remember why I started PTM. For me and for them. Them being the others for I know im not really alone, so many others live in the dark with me.
The problem I've always had is I know I'm not alone but the darkness takes you so far away from others. I'm not looking after myself, been eating my body weight in sugar and shit that doesn't amount to a solid meal. I started smoking again. The darkness was completely ok with this. I know what I should be doing, of course I do. I've learnt I need light to grow, even a tiny crack of light is enough for me to make one good choice that has the power to allow for more good decisions. I get ashamed and embarrassed of who I am in the darkness, I push everyone away and withdraw from anything that would have brought me pleasure. Relationships get strained, I don't want to be with someone in the dark. I want them to only see me dressed in fluff, some Anine Bing boots with big messy hair feeling sassy. I read though my Instagram posts, who the fuck is this babe? How can I get back to this? I delete Instagram. Again.
I've been here so many times, my Mental Health won't be cured. On my happier days I'm ok with this, I've made peace with the fact I won't always be well. As soon as its back though... I've lost those thoughts, I'm sick of the pain that runs through my body.
I fall asleep. I wake up to light. It's over again. Thoughts of death make me cry, how could have I had those thoughts. I'm exhausted my brain actually hurts, like I've been in a trance for a solid two months. My recovery starts again.