Not living in the real world. These are things I've repeatedly been told throughout my life.
2017 I started PANIC THE MOTHER on Instagram.
Low self-esteem, serious self-doubt, Mental Illness, I live with Autism, ADHD, OCD and Panic disorder. I resided in the back of the queue with all the other babes that had ideas and visions but would most likely take them to the grave. Talking of the grave, grief played a massive part in my journey. They say when going through grief you shouldn't make any massive changes in the first year. I did. I turned my life on its head.
My first stop was sorting my Mental out, four years later I'm still working on this babe. I battle my mind every day, do not look at me and think I must have my shit together. I don't. I do however work on myself every day to become the lover I know I can be.
I've always had a unique (annoying to some) way of looking at things. I struggle to take things as fact. This goes as far as to who invented shapes? Why is a circle a circle? Who named it? Can I meet them? I can’t help but look at situations and think why? Or my most frequently asked question... why the fuck not? Isn't conforming just another word for fear? Isn’t fear of judgment what holds most of us back? Isn't one's life wasted if we are holding back? Living for others will ultimately only make others happy, I promise you it will slowly eat away at you to the point you no longer recognise your own reflection. I couldn't bring myself to look at mine. In my darkest times I couldn't face what I had become. What I had lost, all the dreams I had for my life were taken by years of undiagnosed Mental Illness.
Now this mindset was shit. Blame was my favourite thing to do. If I'd had more help, If Becky hadn't of died. If James was still here. Fuck I don't want to be here. I'm trapped. My mental health is controlling me.